Irish Mammy Joke
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote
I'm not saying that you did take the frying pan from my house.
I'm not saying that you did not take the frying pan.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Joanne,
And I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Joanne,
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the frying pan by now.
IS IT YOURSELF?
Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other,
"Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."
NOAH IN MODERN DAY IRELAND
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months passed and the Lord looked down upon Noah who was weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the An Bord Pleannala for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the ISPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "..........the Government beat me to it!"
Three Irishmen; Paddy, Sean and Seamus left the pub late one night and found themselves on the road a road which led them past the local fraveyard.
"Come over and have a look and this" says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul! He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Gradys!".
"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole and it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!".
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" ased Paddy and Sean.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles...".
"Miles who?" asked Paddy and Sean
Who wants to be a Millionaire
Mick is appearing on the Irish version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Gaybo: "Mick you've done very well so far - €500,000 and one life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to €32,000 - are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"
Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Thrush! Remember Mick its worth 1 Million."
Mick: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?"
Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in Birr." (ringing)
Gay: "Hello Paddy its Gay Byrne here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Mick here and he is doing really well on €500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."
Mick: "Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Trush!
Paddy: "Jesus Mick thats simple.....Its a Cuckoo."
Mick: "You think?"
Paddy: "I'm sure."
Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (hangs up)
Gay: "Well do you want to stick on €500,000 or play on for first ever Million Mick?"
Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C--Cuckoo
Gay: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "It is."
Gay: "Are you confident?"
Mick: "Yes fairly Paddy's a sound bet."
Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won €1,000,000. Here is your cheque you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick." (clapping)
That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to the local to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick Turns to Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy!!!How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know fuck all about birds?"
Paddy: "Listen Mick, everbody know that feckin Cuckoo lives in a clock"!
Reilly goes to Court
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly.
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Donal, the Irish Hitch Hiker
Donal Callaghan, a Limerick University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. Donal, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on
The car started moving slowly. Donal looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. Donal, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter Donal saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like Donal, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing Donal Callaghan sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
The Kerry Men on Holidays
Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the children, spoke French.
One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing, "Cocka doodle dooo".
"Do you know," said one Kerryman to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00
The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer €5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with the Irish!
A dear bargain
Excuse me- I Need your advice!
Been offered eight legs of venison for £40.
Is that two deer?
Spot the Irish Person
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and
towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left – phone a
friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’
‘Sure,’ said Mick. ’I’ll have a go!’ ‘Which of the following birds does
NOT build its own nest?’
I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone
me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ’. Mick called up his mate, and told
him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
‘Well, Mick’ replied Paddy. ’Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’
‘Are you sure?’
’I’m 100% sure.’ Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ’I’ll go with Cuckoo as me answer.’
‘Is that your final answer?’ aske d Chris
‘Dat it is, Sir.’
There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn’t build its own nest?
‘Because he lives in a clock don't ya know!’
Three friends married women from different parts of the world....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Frenchman and Paddy Irishman
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.''That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
The Irish Christening
Before performing a christening in Ireland, Father Reilly approached Seamus and said to him solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?”
“I think I am father,” Seamus replied. “My wife has made a big buffet spread and Mrs O’Sullivan has baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Father Reilly responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“To be sure I am,” Seamus replied. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
Two Irishman Meet a Suisse Tourist
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?' He tries.
The two continue to stare.
'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'
'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'
The lone ranger and tonto went camping in the desert.
Always see the Big Picture
After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking,
It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"Your dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent."
No tickets to the Olympics
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman arrived in London too late to buy tickets for the 2012 Olympics. Even the touts had nothing to offer.
The three were outside the main stadium and the cheers of the crowd were loud in their ears and every so often the tune of a national anthem would blare out as some athletic event was won.
"Well, we've come this far, laddies," said the Scot. "I'm not going to be beaten." So saying, he looked around for inspiration and suddenly his eyes lit up. He ran to the car park fenced off with barbed wire held in place with long wooden stakes. He uprooted a stake, then stripped down to his singlet and underpants.
His companions watched as, with stake clasped firmly in both hands, he jogged to the competitors' entrance. They heard him say: "McFaddon, pole vault competitor", and watched amazed as he was admitted to the arena.
Inspired, the Englishman looked about; his eyes, lighted on the nearby cars. Without hesitation, he too stripped to his underwear, grabbed a hub cap from a nearby Holden and, jogging to the entrance, announced himself: "Lincoln, I'm expected for the discus event". He too was admitted.
"Sure now," muttered the Irishman, "three can play at that game". So saying, he stripped to his underpants....
But the gateman was not deceived. This figure before him, wrapped in barbed wire and dripping blood from the many small cuts it made was not "O'Leary, I'm here for the fencing".
An Irish Mother's Letter to her son
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.
It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
About your father - he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Auntie Peggy has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.
That coat you wanted me to send you; your Auntie Nora said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.
There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since!
You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
Your loving Mother,
PS I was going to send you ten euros, but I have already sealed the envelope.
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company - Iarnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann
Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.
Bachelor's Recipe Book
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking in a bar and their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cookbook for my birthday one year,' said the first man.
'But I could never do anything with it.' His friend asked: 'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?'
And the first man replied: 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: "Take a clean dish and..."
Tiger Woods in Ireland
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"
The Leprechaun Bank
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short
Genie grants three wishes
Three men, an aussie, an irish, and an english man were stranded on desert island.
They find a bottle rub it, and out pops a genie.
Three wishes are granted, one each.
The aussie wants to go home poof gone, The English wants to visit queen poof gone, the Irish says i'm lonely with guys gone wish they were here...
The helpful priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
The Quickest Way to Cork
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
The Quick witted old lady
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... 'How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady replied,'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Paddy the Truck Driver
Paddy was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot maximum headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not, “A sure, I'll give it a go”, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.
Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of Barry’s tea and lit a cigarette.
A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone.
“Sure I'm having me tea break”, replied Paddy.
“And what do you work at?” asked the policeman.
“Agh sure I deliver bridges!” smiled Paddy!
The Irishman treats his wife...
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
Irish Men on a Cruise Ship
Paddy & Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight".
Murphy says "Everyone will be watching the band".
Paddy says "There isn't a band playing tonight".
Murphy says "I definitely heard some fellow say "a band on ship"!
Paddy just got back from his mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Diamonds for the Missus...
"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady
"I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that..
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Lost in the desert
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
The Bear & The Backpackers..
A Cork & Kerryman were backpacking in Canada. They were happily hiking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the two backpackers and begins to head toward them. Davy from Cork drops his backpack, digs out a pair of runners, and frantically begins to put them on. Wee Seamus from Kerry says, "What are you doing? runners won’t help you out run that bear." "I don't need to out run the bear," Davy says. "I just need to out run you."
Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
"That will be one Euro, please," says the barman.
"That's a very fair price," replies O'Leary.
"Would you like a glass with that, sir?" asks the barman?
Poor Mick Hogan
Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.
Duck crossing the road
A duck was about to cross the road, and a chicken came running up to him saying; "Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it!".
Irish Rugby Fan
John Joe was at the Rugby World Cup Ireland V’s USA in New Zealand In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to John Joe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to the funeral."
The Scottish Cow
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland."
Paddy's 18th Birthday
Paddy Reilly had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So, when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Nana,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Nana Reilly looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya bloody eejit!"
I received this educational document from a friend - and thought it might be a handy memo for visitors.
Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.
Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland, but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France.
Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.
There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.
Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste. Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.
We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.
Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.
Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.
All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.