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Irish Jokes

 
Welcome to Taste Ireland's Irish Joke page!

We hope you enjoy these Irish Jokes. Sure, some of these poke fun at Paddy and occasionally Murphy, but no offence or insult is intended. They are here for good fun and for a bit of a laugh. Enjoy!

 

An Irish Husband 

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. 'What's wrong, Seamus?' Joey-Jim asked. 'Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?' said Seamus. 'Ah, praise the Almighty!' he replied with relief. 'I thought I'd gone deaf!'

 

Food for thought!!

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disasterous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eatenm or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said "Wedding Cake"

 

Little Johnny strikes again!

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!" *Nobody stands up* Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

 

Bad day!

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I dont have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me" "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!! But...enough about me, how's your day going?!"

 

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An Irish Priest 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" 

 

Voted Best Short Joke Ever..

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike.

 

Diary of a Mount Isa Summer (by an Irish person)

August 31st Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper. Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. October 10th The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat poo. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blummin blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts. October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? November 4th: It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid feckin place. November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to feckin throttle him. Feckin heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin feckin wet, and I smell like baked cat!! November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my feckin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my feckin arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat. November 10th: The weather report might as well be a feckin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and feckin sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn feckin place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the fuckin pool. Even the palms can't live in this feckin heat. November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid fecker. Feck Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented feckin idiot would want to live here? December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are bloody kiddin me!!!!!!!

 

CATCH OF THE DAY!!

The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?" "Fishing," replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me." In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?" "You're the eighth." says the old man.....

 

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TV Game Show

The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa's reindeer. The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question, "Rudolph and Olive!" The host asked the contestant, "We'll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive?" The man looked at the host and said, "You know, 'Olive,' the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

 

MONASTERY!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the originalmanuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was.. CELEBRATE!!!"

 

You've got mail!!

John O'Byrne was mowing his front lawn, when his neighbour, Paddy Maguire, came out of his house and went straght to the mailbox. Paddy opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut and stormed back into his house. A little while later, Paddy came out again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily he went back into his house. As John was getting ready to edge the lawn, Paddy came out of his house again and marched straght over to the mailbox. Red with frustration he checked it a third time and slammed it closed, this time harder then ever. Puzzled by his neighbour's actions, John inquired "Is something wrong?". Paddy repled, "Ya, there certainly is, my stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

 

Paddy English, Irish & Scotsman!

Paddy Englishman, Irishman, & Scotsman all go for a job at a pet shop. The interviewed tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics. The Englishman sings "How much is that doggy in the window" The Scotsman sings "You ain't nothing but a hound dog" The Irishman sings "Strangers in the night....Scooby doo be doo be doo"

 

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Father's Day Card

The day before Father’s Day, Mary Murhpy took her three-year-old son, Paddy, to the Easons to pick out a card for his Da. Inside, she showed him the cards and asked him to pick one. Paddy was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots. “Paddy, what are ya doing?” Mary asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for your Da yet?” “No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

 

Haunted Car!

John O’Leary, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark Halloween night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn’t drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John O’Leary sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.” Look Paddy....there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!”

 

BBQ Rules:

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine... 1. The woman buys the food 2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. 4. The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: 5. The Man places the meat on the BBQ 6. The woman goes inside to organises the plates and cutlery 7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat. 8. The man takes the meat off the BBQ & hands it to the woman. 9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table. 10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 11. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" - and upon seeing her anoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

 

Being Assertive!

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You can be THE man in your house" He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on I'm running this show, and my word will be law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it you'll serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you're going upstairs with me, and we'll have any kind of sex I choose. Afterwads, you're going to run me a relaxing bath. You'll wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll masssage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied "The bloomin undertaker would be my first guess!"

 

Children say the funniest things!

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How did you know it was dead?" she asked her pupil "Because I pis*ed in its ear and it didnt move!" answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise "You know" explained the boy "I leaned over and went 'Pssssst' and it didnt move!

 

GRANDFATHER OF THE YEAR!!

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy William, we won't be long." Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there!" At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather." "Thanks", says the grandfather, "but ------------ I am William, this little pups name is Kevin".

 

Paddy's first drink with his son!

Paddy took his son out for his first pint. Off they went to their local pub only two blocks from their house. Paddy got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so he drank it himself. Next Paddy got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so Paddy drank that too. Finally, he thought he might like some Harp Lager? His son spat it out. So Paddy drank it. Then Paddy tought hmmm, maybe he'd like whiskey better dan beer - so we tried a Jameson's! Nope! In desperation, Paddy asked the barman for some rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could Paddy do but drink it! By the time he realized that his son just didn't like the drink, he was so fechin' drunk he could hardly push his stroller back home.

 

Easter Mass

One Palm Sunday, little Paddy was sick and stayed home from mass. When his brothers and sisters came home carrying palm branches, Paddy asked where the palms came from. His father replied, “When Jesus walked by, people held palm branches over his head.” "Just my luck!" Paddy said. "The one time I don’t go to mass, Jesus shows up.

 

Estate Agent

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Has me house got all this here?” The agent replied "Certainly ye have…Why do you ask?" Murphy smiled and replied "cancel the sale, the place sounds grand to me"

 

Christmas Tree

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious. ‘I can’t believe it!’ he yells. ‘I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’ Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Oi fatty!’ she says. ‘Where d’you want me to stick this?’ And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

 

Halloween Night

Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Jasus Man, ya frightened the life outa us" Paddy called as he caught his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" Joseph called. "My friends are such fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name and here I have to correct it!"

 

New CEO

A large multinational headoffice was based in Dublin. The new American CEO was not impressed with the productivity of the Irish staff and decided fire all the slackers. A few days after he fired the majority of the staff, he came into to the office and found a man leaning on his desk doing nothing. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks "what are you doing?!" The guy says "I'm waiting to get paid". The CEO says "Okay, how much do you get paid in a week?" The guys thinks for a second then answers "About Eur300." The CEO takes out his wallet, gives the guy Eur1200, and says "Now go away and never come back." The guys walks away. The CEO turns to the rest of the office and shouts "Will somebody please tell me who the hell I have just fired?" An employee shouts back "You just tipped the pizza guy Eur1200."

 

Paddy driving home!

Paddy had a few too many at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Gardai. Noting Paddys erratic driving, the Gardai immediately breathalysed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident in the opposite side of the road. The Gardai were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters. Paddy, figuring that the Guardai weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Guardai. "Are you Mr Patrick Murphy?" they asked? Paddy nodded his head. "Were you pulled over at Church Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the Paddy nervously nodded his head. "And what did you do then?" they asked. Paddy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired. Paddy told them that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the Gardai. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Guardai squad car.

 

Drinking with the wife!

An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried Paddy. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

 

Irish Neighbours!

A doulbe-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. " A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from y ou, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fiftenn years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

 

10 pints of Guinness

An American man walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

 

The Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman...

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.' The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.' The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.' The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.' The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

 

Paddy loved Guinness!

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep. "Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory" Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned" Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?" Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

 

Men at work!

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

 

Getting married in Heaven!

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven". "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" "You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple". "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

 

Going to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

Waiting up

Finnegin says, "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it." "What on earth is she doin' at that time?" replied Keenan. "Waitin' for me to come home!"

 

Murphy the Drunk

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

 

Obituary

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

 

Stressed out Irish Man

Mary accompanied her husband, Paddy, to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called Mary into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, no nagging. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Paddy will regain his health completely." On the way home, Paddy asked Mary. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.

 

Irish Mammy Jokes

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'. About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?? 'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy. So he sat down and wrote Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take the frying pan from my house. I'm not saying that you did not take the frying pan. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love Paddy Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Joanne, And I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Joanne, But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the frying pan by now. Love Ma Primary school teacher: Tell me, Paddy. Do you say prayers before dinner? Paddy: No, miss, I don’t have to. My mammy’s a good cook.

 

Irish Bar Jokes

Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in the and does the same. The bartender asks him, "Why did you do that?" And Paddy replies, " Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!" ~ Three men are at an Irish bar in Sydney. The first says to the second man ''so where might you be from then?''. The second man says ''I'm from Ireland myself''. The first says ''I'm Irish too, where 'bouts may you be from?'' ''Cork City is my home quoth the second'' ''Well so am I'' says the first ''and where did you go to school?'' ''St. Mary's'' ''What a coincidence, what year did you finish?'' ''98'' replies the second man. ''That's my year. We must have been in the same class!' The third man at the bar turns to the barman and says ''have you even seen anything like this before?'' The barman says ''oh, dont take any notice of the O'Brien twins, they're drunk again'' ~ A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home. "Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!" "In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!" "That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!" "Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?" "Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

 

St Patrick's Day Jokes

A young Roscommon boy and his father, Paddy, were visiting Liffey valley Shopping Centre for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What's that Da?" Paddy (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father quickly turned to his young son and excitedly said "Go get your Ma" An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real. The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness. 'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,' he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'

 

Father Murphy Joke

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."

 

Garda Joke

Paddy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two Gardai, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether they can see a picture of the wife. Paddy replies "of course" and runs back to get their wedding picture. The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." Paddy replies "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want!"

 

Valentine's Day Jokes

Mary was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she woke, she told her husband Paddy, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, Paddy came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, Mary opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.” Chocolate is the ultimate dessert for a romantic Valentines dinner Cup cakes are always delicious but add some Baileys Irish Cream liqueur and a cup cake transforms into a real 'grown-up' treat. ~ Paddy was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at an upmarket jeweller's shop in Dublin. The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?' Paddy thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".' The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.' Paddy retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.' ~ What did the valentine's card say to the stamp? Stick with me and we'll go places!! ~ Paddy wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister Mary, he went to a department store and bought a gorgeous pair of grey gloves. His sister also purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. Mary was handed the gloves and Paddy got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you were not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. "These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me. Love, your Joey Bear'' ~

 

Christmas Jokes...

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Answer: Snowflakes Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem. A Husband is a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until 24 December to do his Christmas shopping. What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet! Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Answer: Snowflakes The Gallagher family had twin boys; Paddy and Michael whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. Opposite in every way, Paddy was an eternal optimist, Michael a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day Mr Gallagher, their father, loaded Michael the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. Paddy the optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by Micheal's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. “Why are you crying?” Mr Gallagher asked. “Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered Michael. Passing Paddy’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked. To which Paddy replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

 

Accidental Gambling...

The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor. She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering. She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man." As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?" Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann." The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said. The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?" "Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at Belmont."

 

Heaven vs Hell

While walking outside the Oireachtas one day an Irish TD is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the TD. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the TD joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The TD reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the TD. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning..... Today, you voted."

 

Paddy Jokes

PaddyMurphy and Michael O'Connor are at the Galway races. Michael whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "No thanks, I've only got a small garden." Paddy Murphy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "Is it tickin?" Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef" A coach full of Paddy’s are on a mystery tour and decide to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52!!!

 

Irish Poker Joke!

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost €500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Well you just go and tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

 

Irish Paddy Jokes!

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman all went to a hotel. 'Theres only one room left, and its on the top floor which is 90 floors up but the lift is broken so you'll have to take the stairs' said the Receptionist. They took the room and went up the stairs. When they got to the 30th floor Paddy Englishman told a really sad story. A little while later when they got to the 60th floor Paddy Scotsman told an even sadder story. And finally, when they reached the top floor, Paddy Irishman told the saddest stroy ever..... 'Ive left the keys on the front counter...' Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, "Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?" Paddy Irishman replies " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

 

Irish Pothole Jokes

A woman came to a priest one day and confessed, "Father, I've committed aldultery." The priest is somewhat upset, but he forgives her and tells her not to let it happen again. Later that week, 6 more people came up to him and confessed the same time. He forgave him all. Within the next month, over 50 people confessed that they committed aldultery. The priest was so upset that he announced to the community at mass; "From now on, if anyone of you commit aldultery, don't tell me that you did. Instead, tell me something else, like 'I tripped in a pothole.' So people were always admitting to this priest that they had tripped in a pothole. Eventually, the priest died of old age. A new priest, who knew nothing about the whole pothole thing, replaced the late priest. Whenever people told him that they had tripped in a pothole, he would repy with, "That's quite okay. Just watch your step next time." One day, the priest decided to take the issue of potholes up with the Town Council. "Mr. Mayor," he said, "I think we should spend a good deal of money to repair this town's roads; people keep tripping in potholes every day. "Aye that, heh" laughed the mayor. He got into a historical fit since the priest knew nothing of the true meaning of what his parishioners were confessing. The priet was not impressed with the reaction of the Mayor and replied, "This is no laughing matter, Mayor. Your wife alone tripped in 6 potholes last week!" After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the road, a young mother watched her 2 little boys playing in the puddles thru her kitchen window. The older of the 2, five year old Paddy, grabbed his sibling Joe, by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the potholes filled with rain water. As the boy recovered & stood laughing & dripping, the mother ran towards them in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to ur little brother?' she said, as she shook Paddy's shoulder in anger. 'Aye we were just playing church mammy,' he said.'And I was jus baptizin him, In the name of the father, the son, and in the hole he goes'

 

Irish Man Parking!

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot. "Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one

 

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Three Irishmen; Paddy, Sean and Seamus left the pub late one night and found themselves on the road a road which led them past the local fraveyard. "Come over and have a look and this" says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul! He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Gradys!". "That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole and it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!". Just then, Seamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" ased Paddy and Sean. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles...". "Miles who?" asked Paddy and Sean "To Dublin"

 

Noah in Modern Day Ireland

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months passed and the Lord looked down upon Noah who was weeping in his yard, but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the An Bord Pleannala for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the ISPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "..........the Government beat me to it!"

 

Who wants to be a Millionaire

Mick is appearing on the Irish version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Gaybo: "Mick you've done very well so far - €500,000 and one life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to €32,000 - are you ready?" Mick: "Sure I'll have a go" Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Thrush! Remember Mick its worth 1 Million." Mick: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?" Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?" Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in Birr." (ringing) Paddy: "Hello..." Gay: "Hello Paddy its Gay Byrne here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Mick here and he is doing really well on €500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick." Mick: "Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Trush! Paddy: "Jesus Mick thats simple.....Its a Cuckoo." Mick: "You think?" Paddy: "I'm sure." Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (hangs up) Gay: "Well do you want to stick on €500,000 or play on for first ever Million Mick?" Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C--Cuckoo Gay: "Is that your final answer?" Mick: "It is." Gay: "Are you confident?" Mick: "Yes fairly Paddy's a sound bet." Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won $1,000,000.00 Convert. Here is your cheque you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick." (clapping) That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to the local to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick Turns to Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy!!!How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know fuck all about birds?" Paddy: "Listen Mick, everbody know that feckin Cuckoo lives in a clock"!

 

Reilly goes to Court

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

 

Donal, the Irish Hitch Hiker

Donal Callaghan, a Limerick University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. Donal, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. Donal looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. Donal, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter Donal saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like Donal, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing Donal Callaghan sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

 

The Kerry Men on Holidays

Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the children, spoke French. One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing, "Cocka doodle dooo". "Do you know," said one Kerryman to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"

 

Question Time

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00 Convert you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00 Convert, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500.00 Convert The Irishman pockets the $500.00 Convert and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer$5.00 Convert and goes back to sleep. Don't mess with the Irish!

 

A dear bargain

Excuse me- I Need your advice! Been offered eight legs of venison for $40.00 Convert. Is that two deer?

 

Spot the Irish Person

 

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’ ‘Sure,’ said Mick. ’I’ll have a go!’ ‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?’ A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ’. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. ‘Well, Mick’ replied Paddy. ’Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’ ‘Are you sure?’ ’I’m 100% sure.’ Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ’I’ll go with Cuckoo as me answer.’ ‘Is that your final answer?’ aske d Chris ‘Dat it is, Sir.’ There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’ The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. ‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest? ‘Because he lives in a clock don't ya know!’ Three friends married women from different parts of the world.... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

PADDY ENGLISHMAN, PADDY FRENCHMAN AND PADDY IRISHMAN

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children. 'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.' 'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.' 'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

 

THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Before performing a christening in Ireland, Father Reilly approached Seamus and said to him solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?” “I think I am father,” Seamus replied. “My wife has made a big buffet spread and Mrs O’Sullivan has baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests.” “That’s not what I meant,” Father Reilly responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?” “To be sure I am,” Seamus replied. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

 

TWO IRISHMAN MEET A SUISSE TOURIST

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?' The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him. 'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?' He tries. The two continue to stare. 'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads. 'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent. The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!' 'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

 

Always see the Big Picture

The lone ranger and tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. T"Kemo Sabe, look see what I see?" The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' "Your dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent."

 

No tickets to the Olympics

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman arrived in London too late to buy tickets for the 2012 Olympics. Even the touts had nothing to offer. The three were outside the main stadium and the cheers of the crowd were loud in their ears and every so often the tune of a national anthem would blare out as some athletic event was won. "Well, we've come this far, laddies," said the Scot. "I'm not going to be beaten." So saying, he looked around for inspiration and suddenly his eyes lit up. He ran to the car park fenced off with barbed wire held in place with long wooden stakes. He uprooted a stake, then stripped down to his singlet and underpants. His companions watched as, with stake clasped firmly in both hands, he jogged to the competitors' entrance. They heard him say: "McFaddon, pole vault competitor", and watched amazed as he was admitted to the arena. Inspired, the Englishman looked about; his eyes, lighted on the nearby cars. Without hesitation, he too stripped to his underwear, grabbed a hub cap from a nearby Holden and, jogging to the entrance, announced himself: "Lincoln, I'm expected for the discus event". He too was admitted. "Sure now," muttered the Irishman, "three can play at that game". So saying, he stripped to his underpants.... But the gateman was not deceived. This figure before him, wrapped in barbed wire and dripping blood from the many small cuts it made was not "O'Leary, I'm here for the fencing".

 

An Irish Mother's Letter to her son

Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast. It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times. About your father - he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Auntie Peggy has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you. That coat you wanted me to send you; your Auntie Nora said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt. There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since! You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. Your loving Mother, PS I was going to send you ten euros, but I have already sealed the envelope.

 

Irish Railway

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company - Iarnrod Eireann. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.

 

Bachelor's Recipe Book

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking in a bar and their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cookbook for my birthday one year,' said the first man. 'But I could never do anything with it.' His friend asked: 'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' And the first man replied: 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: "Take a clean dish and..."

 

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

 

The Leprechaun Bank

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they're always a little short

 

Genie grants three wishes

Three men, an aussie, an irish, and an english man were stranded on desert island. They find a bottle rub it, and out pops a genie. Three wishes are granted, one each. The aussie wants to go home poof gone, The English wants to visit queen poof gone, the Irish says i'm lonely with guys gone wish they were here...

 

The helpful priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course, child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

The Quickest Way to Cork

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

 

The Quick witted old lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... 'How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady replied,'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.' Paddy the Truck Driver Paddy was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot maximum headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not, “A sure, I'll give it a go”, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of Barry’s tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone. “Sure I'm having me tea break”, replied Paddy. “And what do you work at?” asked the policeman. “Agh sure I deliver bridges!” smiled Paddy!

 

The Irishman treats his wife...

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!" Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again.

 

Irish Men on a Cruise Ship

Paddy & Murphy are on a cruise ship. Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight". Murphy says "Everyone will be watching the band". Paddy says "There isn't a band playing tonight". Murphy says "I definitely heard some fellow say "a band on ship"!

 

Irish Tennis

Paddy just got back from his mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

 

Diamonds for the Missus...

"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady "I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

 

Ear Infection

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter..

 

Lost in the desert

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00 Convert." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

The Bear & The Backpackers..

A Cork & Kerryman were backpacking in Canada. They were happily hiking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the two backpackers and begins to head toward them. Davy from Cork drops his backpack, digs out a pair of runners, and frantically begins to put them on. Wee Seamus from Kerry says, "What are you doing? runners won’t help you out run that bear." "I don't need to out run the bear," Davy says. "I just need to out run you."

 

Ryanair

Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness. "That will be one Euro, please," says the barman. "That's a very fair price," replies O'Leary. "Would you like a glass with that, sir?" asks the barman?

 

Poor Mick Hogan

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.

 

Duck crossing the road

A duck was about to cross the road, and a chicken came running up to him saying; "Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it!".

 

Irish Rugby Fan

John Joe was at the Rugby World Cup Ireland V’s USA in New Zealand In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to John Joe. "Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour. "It's for my wife." "But why isn't she here?" "She died." "So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?" "They've all gone to the funeral."

 

The Scottish Cow

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland."

 

Paddy's 18th Birthday

Paddy Reilly had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So, when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Nana,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?" Nana Reilly looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya bloody eejit!"

 

Ireland explained

I received this educational document from a friend - and thought it might be a handy memo for visitors. Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland. The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros. Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland, but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France. Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South. There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug. Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste. Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it. Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink. We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum. Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin. Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red. All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.