the Craic
What is the Craic?
In this section we'd like to hear your unique and humorous stories. We will then post them on the site, obviously we have to keep it clean. Informative, fun and useful advice for other users to read is also encouraged. For those of you unfamiliar with the term 'the craic' we've provided a few definitions.
1) Irish word for fun/enjoyment that has been brought into the English language. Usually when mixed with alcohol and/or music. 'Bhi craic agus ceol againn' : We had fun and music. Fun doesn't really cut it though. General banter, good times had by all. Also, a person who is good fun/great company.
It was great craic.
She's great craic when she gets going.
He's great craic when he has a few pints in him.
What's the craic?
How's the craic?
The craic was mighty.
2) The craic (pron. "crack") is the feng shui of a se'siun. It is the combination of the music, the drink, the conversations, the spirit of the surroundings and trying to make headway with people of the opposite sex. The craic is what drives all emotion and music that comes from the soul.
3) The Irish word for fun or a good time, can also be used in conjunction with bad to give bad craic. Obviously the opposite of good craic. Was it good craic?, That's bad craic or in parts of Ireland like Tyrone "we had a deadly nights craic........."
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Your Craic!
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?" The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.........NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman, "what from".
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
Are your ready?... Be warned this is bad!...
"Mixin'-me-toasties".
Colman Clear, Sydney, NSW
Once upon a time
in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually,
Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God "Where the frig
were you?"
God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. Look what I'm only after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?"
God replied "It's another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it. I've named it Earth and there's gonna be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is gonna be rich and South America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot. Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North and another one of blacks in the South."
Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?"
"Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle," God said, "that's a very special place".
"That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite coastline. These people here are gonna be lethal craic and they're gonna be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters And I'm gonna give them this black liquid which they're gonna go mad on, and for which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink."
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly startled, he said, "Hold' on a wee minute, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be balance..?"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the Bastards I'm putting next door to them!!
Barry Quinn, St Kilda, VIC
Whats the difference between God and Bono?
God does'nt think he's Bono.
James Dunne, Surfers, QLD
On his way home a father remembers that it's his daughter's birthday, and she would like a Barbie.
In the toy shop he asked the salesperson, "How much are the Barbie Dolls?"
The salesperson answered, "Which one? We have Workout Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $ 19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $299.95"*
The amazed father asked, "Why is Divorced Barbie 299.95 and the others are only 19.95?"
The abrupt salesman answered, "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and
One of Ken's Friends!".
Colman Clear, Sydney, NSW
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of sweg and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,"That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went
down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left
eye.
Clare Donnelly, Hobart, TAS
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES YES, I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb
founded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men.
Karen Taylor, Darwin, NT
I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park, The shop down the road,
Hopscotch, Donkey, skipping, handstands, stuck in the mud, football
with an old can, Dandy, Beano, Twinkle and Roly Poly, Hula Hoops,
Jumping the stream, building a swing from a tyre and a piece of rope
tied to a tree, (If you live in Dublin the lampost), building
tree-houses, climbing up onto roofs. Tennis on the street, the smell of
the sun and fresh cut grass.
Hubba Bubba bubble gum and 2p Flogs, macaroon bars and woppas, 3p
Refreshers and wham bars, superhero chewing gum, golf ball chewing gums
and liquorice whips, desperate dan and roy of the rovers, sherbet dips
and Mr. freezes, marathon bars and everlasting gobstoppers. An ice
cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune
chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe neopolitan
Wait ... Watching Saturday Morning cartoons ... short commercials,
Battle of the Planets, Road Runner, He-Man, Swapshop, and Why Don't
You?, Transformers, How do you do?, Bosco(SANDY), Forty-coats, the
Littlest Hobo and Lassie, Chucklevision, The Muppet Show, MacGyver,
Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Little House on the Prairie and Highway to
Heaven, or staying up for Knight Rider and Magnum PI.
When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere. A million midget bites, sticky fingers and mud all over you, knee-pads on your jeans, Cops and Robbers, Rounders, tip the Can, Queenie-I-O, climbing trees, spin the bottle, building igloos out of snow banks, walking to school, no matter what the weather, running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt, jumping on the bed. Pillow fights, Spinning around, ge tting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles, Being tired from playing... Remember that?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
And don't forget the Marietta sandwiches we'd make by buttering a
cupla Marietta biscuits and stickin' them together. And that quare oul
mixture made in a tall glass with HB ice cream and Taylor Keith Red
Lemonade.
I'm not finished just yet...
Eating raw jelly, orange squash ice pops
Remember when ... There were two types of sneakers - girls and boys and Dunlop Green Flash and the only time you wore them at school, was for "P.E.", Gola football boots.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends, when nobody owned a pure bred dog, w hen 25p was decent pocket money, when you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny, when nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there, when it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents
When any parent could discipline any kid or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. If your da took you to the pub he d give you a bag of Tayto and a Club Orange.
When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of muggings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! and some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Remember when....
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly", the game of life and connect four, atari 2600's and commadore 64's. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs. It was unbelievable that Red rover wasn't an Olympic event...
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a biro barrel pea
shooter or an elastic band. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better, Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable vitamins, Ice
cream was considered a basic food group.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.. Abilities were discovered because of a "double dare" Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...
I DOUBLE DARE YA!!!
Keith Murphy, Geelong, VIC
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted
up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck
right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and
yelled to my wife", "Hey honey, this looks like yours!"
Sinead Moore, Surfers, QLD
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go...
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:......
Dave.............
..............you're a vet".
Donna Ferry, St Kilda, VIC
FAIRIES
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a
tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being
such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel
around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy
waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II
luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He
thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my
wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife and the
fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy
waved her magic wand and - poof! - The husband became
92 years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
Cara Dunne, Brisbane. QLD
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father I have a
problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one
thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two
male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the
cage with Paul and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no
time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution."
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their
cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over
and
placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes the female
parrots
cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and exclaimed;
"Put the beads away, Paul, our prayers have been answered."
Vickie O Hare, Blackburn South, VIC
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on
your clock will move."
Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is
that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The
hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life." "Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man.
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan."
Paula Maye, Canberra, ACT
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that
his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to
live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his
grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After
considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should
have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and
confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the Republic of Ireland soccer team, whom the boy firmly
believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Michelle Murphy, Brisbane, QLD
Londoners!
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to
show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry
comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door
before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs
his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts
screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is
ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never
be the same again!"
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can t believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in horror;
"F@*K ING HELL!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
The Catch
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of A Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!"
"Really ? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about
his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of A Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish"
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The
Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish
was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fxxkers are my
kind of people.
Paula Dunning, Perth, WA
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse. Then of course, there s the hot air factor.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be
male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying.
Karla Mulligan, Adelaide, ACT
Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn't seem
to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for
some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing
them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of
Speedos about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down
inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!" the
following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was
disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away,
laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and
asked him, "What's wrong now?"
JEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate, the potato goes in the front!"
Julie Anne Cleery. Melbourne, VIC
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and
tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean
up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the
parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the
parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total
quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt
the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot
calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to
do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John
was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Ruairi Scullin, North Bondi, NSW
Tony Blair is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Tony, John Prescott here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sheffield has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire British supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Christ John - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!" "We're going to have to ship some in from abroad...America?" "No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!" "What about Ireland?"
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. You call Bertie Ahern - tell him we need one million condoms; coloured red, white and blue; twelve inches long and eight inches thick! That way he'll know how big the brits really are!!"
John calls Bertie, who agrees to help the Brits out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street - full of boxes. A delighted Tony rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms; 12inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured red, white or blue.
He then notices in small writing on each and every one:- MADE IN IRELAND - SIZE: MEDIUM
Kate McGrath, Dublin.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird Section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in Dat cage up dere,".
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and
jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry
falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking
down at the remains of his best pal. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis Budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi,Paddy. Watch
dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly
free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the
bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and
says, "And I'm never trying Dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its
legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until
he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting......and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
Debbie Gallagher, Randwick, NSW
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in
a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he
noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish
Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here
and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have..m-m-m....urges. That's
why we have the camel, sir."
The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his
own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the
camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands
on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Pauline Daly, Canberra, ACT
RESPECT to Samuel L. Jackson. The screen legend was recently
interviewed by Kate Thornton on British T.V. about working with
Colin Farrell in S.W.A.T. when the following conversation took place:
Kate: What's it like working with Colin, 'cos he is just so hot in the
U.K. right now.
Samuel: He's pretty hot in the U.S. too
Kate: Yea! but he's one of our own!
Samuel: Isn't he from Ireland
Kate: Yeah, but we claim him 'cos Ireland is beside us.
Samuel: You see that's your problem right there. You British keep
claiming people that don't belong to you. We had that problem in
America too - it was called slavery.
Suzie McMahon, Sydney, NSW
Who said the Irish were dumb?
Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Mick, I am feeling a bit down becauseit looks like I won't be
able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to
be digging up a garden plot. If you were here,
all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Father, For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES! Love, Mick
At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Father, Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Mick
Breeda McGurk, Perth, WA
Pat was sittin' in the pub when a tourist rushed in and asked "whats
the quickest way to Dublin" Pat askes "are ya drivin or walkin' and the
tourist says "drivin" well says Pat " that is the quickest way for
sure.
Jim Murphy, Shepparton, VIC
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good
morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any
money! I'M BROKE!!!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a
flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide
open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all
traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder. "The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope
you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity
this morning."
Maria Hannan, Surfers, QLD
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional "But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you".
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the
Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the
Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
Olivia Muldoon, Bronte, NSW
A Tipperary man had two great tickets for the All-Ireland final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is
incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this for the All-Ireland Final, the biggest sporting event in
Ireland, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to
me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first All-Ireland Final we haven't been to together since
we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I
guess you couldn't find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a
neighbour to take the seat?The man shakes his head..."No. They're all
at the funeral."
Tara Dooley, Coogee, NSW
Pat and Mick were on the duck swamp on duck opening. After being
there till mid day they were comin' out with not a bird between them,
when Pat says' "well Mick why does everyone else have ducks and not us"
"I dont know Pat" says Mick "maybe we aren't throwin' the dog high
enough."
Jim Murphy, VIC
A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership and browses around. Suddenly
she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around
to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help
you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as
Though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is
the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he
replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just
touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."
Anna Furlong, Melbourne
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help
me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to
lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery. "Lottery night
comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please let me
win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose
my car as well. "Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once
again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you. PLEASE
let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in
order. "Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God,
Himself...."Sweetheart, work with me on this... buy a ticket."
Maria Da Silva, Burwood, NSW
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps
onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the
nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the feck off the car!"
Liam O'Hara, Bondi Junction, NSW
"My daddy always told me to behave myself because its a big bad
world out there and if you burn your arse you'll sit on the blister."
Maighread Tams, UK
I am reminded of the story told to me by Uncle David Murphy about his trip to Ireland in the 60s when he visited his cousin Seamus in Dooghbeg.. The morning after a mighty session at Daly's Pub cousin Seamus was preparing a breakfast of bacon, white sausage and fried eggs. Uncle David noticed flem on his plate and asked Seamus, "are these plates clean?" to which cousin Seamus replied, " as bloody clean as cold water can get' em! You yanks are too worried about germs and stuff like that."
For lunch that day Cousin Seamus made hamburgers and again Uncle Davis was concerned about the little specks he saw on the edge of his plate. He again asked Seamus, "are you sure these plates are clean?" Seamus replied, "I told you before, they are as clean as cold water can get them. Quit fussing about them, they're fine and you needn't mention it again."
When they had finished lunch Uncle David said he wanted to go in to
Mulranny and check out the golf course. When he approached his car
Seamus 's dog blocked his way and growled and snapped at him. Hearing
the ruckus Seamus came to the door and shouted, "God damnit Coldwater,
shut the feck up!"
Adrian Scullin, Tyrone, Ireland
JUST when you think you've heard all the great Irish football stories, along comes one that goes straight into the top ten.
Niall Quinn told it at a recent fundraising dinner for the Retired International Players' Fund in Dublin and, if the uproarious reaction on the night is anything to go by, this is a yarn that, despite much stiff opposition, could yet go all the way to Number 1.
The setting was the Irish dressing room in Rome in the immediate aftermath of the 1-0 defeat to hosts Italy, in the quarter-final of the 1990 World Cup. Contrary to the popular myth of the team of that era as the happy-go-lucky Irish, determined to have a party come what may, the post-match scene as described by Quinn was one of emotional devastation.
Convinced they might have nicked a game, which would have put them just 90 minutes away from - gulp! - the World Cup Final, the players sat slumped, completely deflated, some with their heads in their hands, others hooded in towels, the tomb-like silence broken only by the sound of the odd boot thudding against a wall, as a weary foot shook it off.
Suddenly, the door to the dressing room burst open and a man in an elegant suit entered in good cheer and loud voice. Arms aloft he launched into a stirring speech about the warrior sons of Erin, the brave performance of the team, the honour they had brought to their country, and much more in that vein. This was Charles J Haughey in full oratorical flight.
After he'd gone on like this for a couple of minutes, Quinn was
nudged in the ribs by Tony Cascarino, who rather loudly inquired: "Oo
the fack is 'e, then?" Quinn growled back a whispered, "For God's sake
Cas, that's the Taoiseach." Whereupon, Andy Townsend turned to
Cascarino and asked: "Oo is it, Cas?" "I dunno," Cascarino replied,
"but Quinny says he owns a tea shop."
Catherine McGrath, Clovelly, NSW
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!
Julia Brown, Randwick, NSW